It goes beyond the fancifully sweet and
romantic photos being posted on social media. Of course we all do selective
updating of social media, who in the right mind would still be sane (or insane)
enough to still post for cuddly photos during heated arguments when all that’s
going through the mind is “Ugh, how irritating can you possibly get”, “Why must
you keep getting on my nerves”, “Why can’t you just uphold your own promise”
and the angry list goes on.
Relationships aren’t smooth sailing, at all. I
bet even when I’m in my 70s, I’d still have these nerve wrecking moments
because I’m always young at heart? Of course not, it’s because what sends me
ticking off now will still have the same impact on me eons later. Despite what
irks me now may not irk me years later, the opposite will happen - what doesn’t
pester me now will pester me when I’m in my 70s. It will be the same for him
too.
1 more year and I will be celebrating our 10th
year anniversary with hubs and he still manages to piss me off by repeating the
same mistake countless times, what great consistency. Tell me how can a 70yo
woman be able to tolerate this without arguing?
Sometimes we harp on petty issues, sometimes we
let it go because it really doesn’t bother us and we are better off just being
the usual lovey dovey couple. Other times, we scream and yell at each other,
with him calling me names (idiot) which then provokes me even more because I
hate it when he does that and he knows it yet still hasn’t changed this bad
habit. Though not as often any longer, we still give each other the cold
shoulder after a huge argument. In short, we behave nothing like the calm and
quaint couple who has been together for half our lives. We are still the rowdy young
couple who quarrels in the crowd alongside Clarke Quay river, the outrageous
couple who screams at each other in the car, the fiery couple who parted ways
in public because the woman still can’t learn to not walk away and isolate
herself during a serious frenzied argument. Yes all cited examples are true,
with the second and third examples true as at 2 weeks ago. Oh man.
Unpleasant scenes like this, some would say it
is avoidable, which I agree. We can choose not to argue and calmly talk things
out instead. I can choose not to walk away. He can choose to stop his name
calling habit. But that’s not the main point. The point is we have to
understand that such unpleasant and hurtful moments aren’t abnormal and that it
isn’t a sign that perhaps we won’t ever work out. Else, why would we have said ‘Yes’
to each other?
I can’t give my opinions on how to avoid
arguments because truthfully speaking, I’m more of a hot-tempered person than
hubs is (at least he isn’t to me, most of the times), so I’m the last person who
can blatantly boast about how to avoid argument and attain peace and serenity. But
I want to share and document down what works out for this relationship, for us.
1.
“Don’t sweep things under the carpet in hope that the root of the
problem will eventually solve itself.” It
won’t. If problem would resolve itself, we’d have scored full marks for all our
academic papers, wouldn’t we? Same here. Voice out your unhappiness, argue out
both sides of the coin. Only when the problem is striped bare and naked then
the resolving process can kick in right? Yes, you don’t want to argue, honestly
who wants that? But avoiding an argument suppresses emotions, builds up
negativity within, then how can an unhappy you continue to live happily with
another? Eventually you’re just crafting out an unhappy relationship.
2.
“Don’t start an argument for the sake of it.” Don’t delve into an argument with the competitive mindset that “I just
want to win”. I used to be that debater. I just want to prove my point, that’s
all. But that’s an imbalanced and toxic relationship where only one person’s
voice is heard every single time whereas the other sees no point in speaking
out. A couple’s argument should be one that’s constructive and beneficial for
the relationship, one that will smooth out the sharp edges that are prodding
our hearts, not one which you use as a weapon to inflict more harm onto his/her
existing wound.
3.
That leads to “Always listen.” Listen, even during an
argument. Yes, it is tough trying to keep an open mind and understanding ear
when you’re arguing, but always listen even during an argument. It’s true that they may say hurtful things that
they don’t mean out of anger. But it’s also true that we voice out what we
truly feel when we’re angry because we can’t seem to and perhaps don’t bother
to control/conceal our emotions.
4. “Don’t measure their sorrow
according to your own ruler.” When they put aside
their ego to tell you that they are hurt by what you say/do, you don’t get to
decide that they aren’t. It is tough as hell to admit that we’re hurt/miserable
because our survival instinct always prompts us to guard our weaker side so
that the predator will not spot this prey. So laying our weakness on the table
for you, that attests we’ve let you into our hearts, trusting that you don’t
see us as a prey to be taken advantage of; we’ve let you in to become a part of
us.
5. “Don’t even be the last
person who doubts them.” Never doubt them. You
shouldn’t even be the last person to doubt them. We may underestimate how far
our genuine support for them will take them but this definitely means more than
the taste of success to them. Never let them forget how good and precious it
actually feels to have someone who believes in them. Be the anchor to their
boat, be the sauce to their satay, be the tea to their pot. Whatever it is, be
there for them because we’ve all been through that; we all know how depressing
it is to be in it all alone.
6. “Let them enjoy time away
from you.” Of course you guys should spend quality and
enjoyable time together but this is just as crucial. This is an ongoing and
long term investment of your relationship. Why? By allowing them to have their
own space and time to do things that make them ecstatic, it pumps up their
soul, it allows them to attain their own goals, it brushes up their skill sets,
it satisfies their own wishes. In short, it makes them more ‘wholesome’ (like a
meal) and cultivates an improvised version of them. Then most naturally, a
happy being will inject more happiness into the relationship right?
Unless both of you have all the same interests, same
close circle of friends, same goals, same skill sets, same hobbies then you
guys can stick together happily every second.
7. “Never forget the good O
times.” Especially essential during the rough patches
of any relationship. I believe that the first evident rough patch of a
relationship will be during the first 2-3 years. 2-3 years isn’t a long time
frame, but it’s one that’s long enough to get to know a person’s flaws, habits,
personalities, then that’s when disagreements begin to surface almost every
other day. Then you start to get sick and tired of these arguments that seem to
become a routine cycle of your relationship and you start to question if this
will ever work out. But even amidst these arguments and rough patches, be it in
the first 2-3 years or 20 years down the road, never disregard all the
beautiful moments of your relationship.
The below will get very cliché and mushy but it’s true
and that’s mainly how we keep our relationship fresh and strong (our close
friends will also call it crazy). The bottom line is to allow yourself to be
reminded of how much he/she loves you, even the slightest clue.
For me, I get reminded of his love for me by how he
peels prawn for me whenever. By how he gets angry when I starve myself because
I’m lazy to eat. By how he puts me as priority, ahead of everyone (he took a
long time to convince me on this). By how he coaxes me because he knows I’m just
throwing tantrum for him to do so. By how he runs in the rain half naked
because he gives me his shirt to cover my head. By how he tries every means to
get me something that I like even though I hate to see him spend on me. By how
he boasts about me and our love story to others. By how he kisses or touches my
face when he thinks I’m asleep but I know it.
I can go on and on, the thing is we should always
remember these moments of how we even fell in love with this person the first
time round so that we can find ourselves falling over and over for the same
One.
Like what I’ve told him before “Even when I’m upset at
you, I love you, even when I’m angry at you, I love you.” Of course this point
isn’t meant to be delusional. When he/she abuses you physically, emotionally,
it IS NOT RIGHT for you to remember the good O times and deceive yourself into
staying and mending this relationship. You get my drift.
What I’ve documented down for my sake (and
hopefully yours), we are still working hard on it because we aren’t the perfect
couple, and will never be, cause really, no one is.
