♒Åℚ∪Åℜ│⊔S ♒

24 June 2016; the day you left.

From the moment I received the phone call at 4 p.m in my office till the day of your cremation, feelings were bottled up, countless urges to let loose of my emotion were suppressed. In denial of how much I couldn't bear for you to leave, I overwhelmed myself with whispering and whimpering of "She's rid of all pain & suffering", "She's in Heaven" that only I could hear. 

I remembered I've once documented my realisation here of how selfish I am to be fearful of the death of my love ones. I'm selfish because I am afraid of what's to become/left of me when a significant part of me is gone with their departure. 

This time round, I tried my best to be selfless, to think of the best of your departure for you instead of the worst of your departure for me. So I suppressed, so I showered myself with heavenly consoles instead of loud warm tears. 

The act that I put up was all good until I woke up from a nap after 'everything' was settled. Or was it? And will it? 

Staring at the boring blank space with hubs in the background asking what's for dinner, I got myself half dressed before sitting at the edge of the bed and continued with the aimless staring. Hubs got fed up because his presence was ignored, his repeated question of what do I want for dinner was left unanswered, so he yelled instead of asked. Then I broke down. Not because he got mad at me but because reality finally hit me hard.

I cried so hard my tears dried up yet the wallows couldn't stop. I was still selfish. I didn't want you to leave. Even though for years you couldn't remember me, I was happy and contented being able to see you, touch you, feed you, baby cradled you and speak to you in your own language. Now your departure rids me of all these, the precious minimal things that I could still do with the amnesic you. 

Grandma, you left not remembering who am I but I will always remember all my 25 years with you.

I smell fear. Fearful of what I'm going to undergo, again: the departure of someone I hold dear. She's not my biological grandma, we may not have the same blood flowing through us, but our relationship is more than the mere superficial "blood is thicker than water" label. 

For so many moments that I wish you can stay, the many other moments of witnessing your pain and suffering set me pondering whether I am selfish to secretly wish you can be here to stay, to witness your grandson and I tying the knots and bearing your beloved grandchildren. When you're old and fragile withstanding all the pain, is time really a luxury for you or is it just prolonging your pain? 

It's foolish for me to wish for forever, but I do wish for the time you have with us, it can be filled with lesser pain. 

//

It has been more than a year since you left. I still cry and wallow in pity when I allow myself to dive deeper into the bottomless ocean of thoughts and memories of you. Work has been a real helpful deviation of these thoughts. What's not making this heartache better is the guilt that has never faded with time. What if it was me who didn't take enough care of you? What if I discovered you were ill earlier? 

Reunite with me more often; in our dreams we meet.

8 of Feb: my birthday

On Friday night, Redbull & I went to New Udon Thai for their mookata cause he was craving for it and has told me one week ago. Halfway through the fattening yet hard to resist supper, Shell ran towards our table, yelling 'HELLO' followed by the rest casually strolling in. Stunned. Very stunned. Swear my life took on a freeze mode at that point. I was staring at them with a silly smile hanging on my face while trying to piece the puzzle together.

Shell? Thought she was at KL? Eh, why is Freeman here? Wait, wingyin is here too. Janice too. Huh? All came for mookata? Why is Alvin grinning sheepishly as if he accomplished something? Is that something this? This surprise for my birthday? YES IT IS! My mind was processing info 10x slower than usual.

I was really taken aback as long were those days where we always planned birthday surprises for each other so for many years I was definitely not in the state of preparing myself for a surprise. A really successful surprise and I'm really touched for my gfs' presence and all these wouldn't have taken place if not for Shell's meticulous idea. 

A simple wish every single year.

The cake baked by Redbull which was also the first cake he baked for me before we were together.

Not forgetting my favorite DIY card from him.

The whole of Saturday was dedicated to a trip to Adventure Cove.

"Almost there. Almost there!"

Put my waterproof pouch to good use.
To GOOD use, that was what I thought initially.

The last few photos before I realized the real 'good' news.

GOOD NEWS WAS
I forgot to zip the pouch!
So smart I deserve a standing ovation for this.
While I was happily snapping away, my phone was enjoying the taste of Adv Cove's waters...

My birthday meal with him at Miam Miam on Sunday. Though this was at the bottom of my to-visit-list, I'm glad it didn't disappoint despite me feeling angst due to the unavailable souffle au curry that was the only one I wanted to try. 

His main

And mine. Squid ink baked rice. The saltiness isn't too overwhelming and the taste of seafood is relatively pungent. 

12AM gift exchange.

The handmade card with heartfelt words written from him to me. As compared to some who shower their other halves with luxurious/extravagant gifts, we believe in the sincerity put into each and every single DIY gift and ntm our gifts are the One and Only. 

Knowing that Vivo has Fruit Paradise, I had to sink my teeth into their tarts for the second time. The first time I had the delicious tart piled with colorful juicy looking fruits was during one of my 'alone' times. 

Corals, you can't be this beautiful, NO!

"Don't judge me by my top, look underneath me & you will see the cutest smiley face."

↓↓↓

Since I couldn't touch dolphins, starfish is fine too. Looks are deceiving. I've always thought that starfish is soft & silky until then I realized it's the complete opposite. 

Harmless baby sharks. Too scaly for my liking. I've chills at the thought of their skin against mine. 

Flimsy looking sea creature.

Mandatory shot. 

Wriggly worms. 

PRESENTING MY FAVORITE DOLPHINS

LOOK HOW PLAYFUL THEY ARE. Swimming upside down. 

And their constantly sheepish grinning faces and eyes. Ahhh, too adorable I wanna dive right in & swim my days & nights away with them!

Then this is the attention seeking one. What's up with the twist? So vain. Saw people flashing out their cameras and phones then wanna pose and all. HAHA

Colorful jellyfishes.

Plunging right down. 

I'm no dainty lady who wears the most feminine dress you can find hence fine dining has never been my cup of tea. Enjoying food is my forte, but it's the environment of fine dining that makes me feel suppressed, it's as if I've to watch every move of mine. Even every laughter of mine has to be kept at its minimal so as to not cause any disturbance (especially when I'm one who laughs like king kong. Why suppress your happiness right?). Oh, call me a barbarian, but the food portion would have been sufficient for me when I was a toddler (ps: we went to Malaysia Food Street after this).

But, knowing how he planned out everything just to make me feel like a princess tug at every vein lying within my heart. But little does he know he doesn't have to go to such expense to make me feel this way.



Real beauty beyond the glass windows. The most beautiful dining view I've personally experienced.

Complimentary appetizer.

 Fresh oyster tasting which I like all the 3 different sauces that are equally compatible with the juicy oysters.

My main: Salmon with Hokkaido scallop.

His main.


With the price tags, it's within expectation that the dishes are worth patronizing.