♒Åℚ∪Åℜ│⊔S ♒

I smell fear. Fearful of what I'm going to undergo, again: the departure of someone I hold dear. She's not my biological grandma, we may not have the same blood flowing through us, but our relationship is more than the mere superficial "blood is thicker than water" label. 

For so many moments that I wish you can stay, the many other moments of witnessing your pain and suffering set me pondering whether I am selfish to secretly wish you can be here to stay, to witness your grandson and I tying the knots and bearing your beloved grandchildren. When you're old and fragile withstanding all the pain, is time really a luxury for you or is it just prolonging your pain? 

It's foolish for me to wish for forever, but I do wish for the time you have with us, it can be filled with lesser pain. 

//

It has been more than a year since you left. I still cry and wallow in pity when I allow myself to dive deeper into the bottomless ocean of thoughts and memories of you. Work has been a real helpful deviation of these thoughts. What's not making this heartache better is the guilt that has never faded with time. What if it was me who didn't take enough care of you? What if I discovered you were ill earlier? 

Reunite with me more often; in our dreams we meet.

Back to where it makes me sick to my stomach, again. Seeing/knowing the minute respect people give to their parents according to their temperament, always makes me cringe. I swallowed my opinions, when I'm not even one who does, just to put a halt to my outburst of temper.

What's the point of being able to sing along to your favorite songs, to laugh at your favorite variety shows/dramas, to download (illegally) movies/songs from your laptop when you don't even give the due respect to the ones who paid for the monthly Ethernet subscription fee? 

What's the point of being able to doze off on your bed, hang the new clothes that you bought in your closet when you don't even give the due respect to the ones who provide this roof over your head? 

What's the point of knowing to have the most basic politeness towards those in the customer service line when you don't even shower such fundamental courtesy to your own parents? 

What's the point of growing up healthily when you don't even give the due respect to the ones who gave you this life? 

They're hitting their fifties while we're just about to step into adulthood. The time they've spent raising us up, the hardship they're going through just to ensure we've a comfortable & stable roof over our heads. Sure we don't live luxuriously, but at least we don't have to worry about food & accommodation. They slog their guts out for us. Their work is purely physical. Imagine you at their age, having going through such physical labor for more than half of your life, imagine the toll it does to your physique. If all these aren't worth the biggest respect they deserve, I don't know what is. 

We all know life has an expiry date, we just don't know when that is and it's because of this uncertainty coupled with the limited lifespan that should make us fear and in turn cherish them when they're still able to see us. What if you wake up one day to find them gone? What if you wake up one day to your own parents who don't recognize who you are? Just what if? By then, it'd all be too late. Too late for you to reciprocate to them in ways they best deserve.