♒Åℚ∪Åℜ│⊔S ♒

On our way back to SG after dealing with the closure of losing another family member in a year. Then a loud BUMP. Followed by my loud screaming. And the thought of losing my love ones in just that split second. Swiftly, all that happened. 

I remembered looking towards my right to ensure he is okay before turning to check on them. They are safe and sound. 

Few hours later after the making of statements, that split second thought finally registered and I broke down. Fears surrounded my tears. Fear of us leaving our parents all at once if the accident took place just few seconds later, then the car would have been hit on the side and that would most likely send the car flying off to a distance. Fear of all of them leaving me alone. 

I'm traumatized. By the accident for sure. But more by my reinforced belief that life is so fragile; my love ones may not be with me the very next minute. I've lost 3 in just a year. My tired heart is still trying its best to heal and mend its broken shade. 

I'll remember this day. To remember to always cherish them while they are still close to me.

In just 12 more days, I will be the legal wife of the man who has been loving me unconditionally from the start, even when I haven't then.

I feel differently the same, should this make any sense. 7 years of relationship cum partnership, yet we knew each other 10 years ago, became close friends 9 years ago. We can practically proclaim "I've known her/him for almost half my life". Thus becoming legal spouses is merely a change to the 'official' status, just a paper ceremony. This way, everything remains. Yet, there are going to be so many upcoming phases and 'life' projects awaiting us - these are different tastes of life to be experienced. 

Building our love nest is going to be exciting, temporarily casting aside the months of hard works to be done which have already began. The end product is definitely going to be worthwhile, we are certain.

Moving out physically from my comfort home I've been with since birth, I'm already having tearful thoughts and moments now and then. So much emotional adaptations to make. Not coming back to my heroine welcoming me home, saying she knows it's me just by the sound of my footsteps with my hero giving his classic slight smirk to her quirky comment. Not coming back to my siblings ordering food delivery and asking whether to count me in. Not coming back to my parents having their eyes glued to HK/Korean drama series and debating over their differing predictions of the next scene. Not coming back to my brother cooking maggie mee and stealing a few mouths from his bowl without him ever complaining. Not coming back to the bed my siz and I share till today and having random conversations, discussions, gossips till either of us falls asleep. So many many more. Some may be embarrassed to admit or even mention how attached they are to their family. Not me. I proudly declare how emotionally and physically attached I am to my most precious family, Just like the wordings on my back dictate, "My family is beautiful because they make me believe that I am, by showing me how worthy I am to be loved, and because of them, I'm being nurtured to love." How to not be deeply attached to parts of your own soul? 

Fortunate thing is our own nest is still considered near to my comfort home so I'll still be able to get my healthy dose of emotional pill. 

Each love journey to its own, and I pray for all love to be equal in the eyes of all. No love is inferior. No love should be disregarded. No love should be measured by gender, race, nationality. Love doesn't have to be further complicated by the narrow mindsets of others, it is beautiful, whether it is between the same or different gender/race/nationality. He loves her for her. He loves him for him. So why should gender come into the picture? 

I'm digressing. It's just that, I want him to be happy too. 

Life for me, I wouldn't say it has been a breeze but since my last post, there hasn't been any major setback/hiccup that has occurred to me and for that, let me boast and spread my genuine happiness. 

1 Nov 2015: our 7th anniversary and he puts a ring on me. The proposal was a great success because I was so taken aback by the surprise that I screamed, laughed, cried altogether. The hysterical me obviously didn't manage to keep my composure (not that I was attempting to anyway) despite all the different cameras aiming at me. With our beloved families and close friends there to witness this significant moment, I have nothing more to ask for. 

  

His speech was nothing close to cliche, it was close to his heart, close to mine. I find myself replaying his speech in my head while eyeing on the beautiful customized ring on my finger. 

 

Another moment leading me into another phase of my life. 

The howling of his mother and the pounding knocks on his room's door at 7 in the morning jolted me up from his bed immediately. I sprang up from the bed, to be specific. 

It was like an unexpectedly expected news - her departure. Still, nothing could prepare us for the loss of her, despite all the signs over the past month.

Looking at her still and cold body on the bed, I placed my hand over her cupped and wrinkled hands gently, in fear of waking her up. "She's sleeping", that was what we exchanged amongst ourselves, because uttering that word sounded too distant, too harsh. But that is how reality presents itself at times, isn't it? Especially at a time like this. 

No more witnessing of that cheeky slight smile and winking of her eyes directed at me whenever her favorite grandson teases any one in the family or cracks a joke only she appreciates the most. No more hearing her childlike complaints.

For our own comfort, even if it helps just a little, we tell ourselves this is a blessing for a kind angel like her. Being a devotee, she must be in heaven with Jesus and Mary now, where there should be no more pain and suffering. For all these years, her weakening body has undergone tremendous pain, with grandpa shouldering her suffering and taking care of her every need which was also slowly depleting his energy. 

Clock still ticks, but the livings will always mourn and grieve for the dead. The vacant look in grandpa's red eyes as he wanders off alone in his slow pace, it reminds me how all of our sadness pales in comparison with his. We may have lost a mother/grandmother, he has lost his lifetime partner, his confiding best friend, his soul companion.

In a relationship, I condone silence being the solution, at least not a permanent one. Why do you choose to sweep everything under the carpet when you clearly know there's only so much that the carpet can contain? What good does keeping mum just to avoid an argument brings? Unhappiness, anger, soreness are all pent up, let alone not solving the core of the problem. Is this how a healthy relationship blossoms? I don't think so. And I know you are on the same page as me.

The immense feelings I have are insignificant compared to yours, because I'm not the victim of those sufferings. Hearing that shivering voice, seeing those droplets of tears, I feel my insides caving in. I know you aren't beaming with happiness for sure, but hearing how unhappy you are, it makes me rage. 

A victim needs to voice out. No more prolonging, because all it does is prolonging your suffering and soon enough, there will be another innocent and young party suffering. If not for yourself, then for him. 

It has slowly became an _____.  I can't call it addiction. Is hobby a more suitable description?

When I was younger, I have never been exposed to the idea of how having inks on one's body is or isn't acceptable by the society. Somehow or rather, I developed my own mindset pertaining to the idea of this form of art, without people around me (friends/family) imposing their opinions upon me or particularly revolving their discussions over this topic. 

I guess it's true that some things, they just get to you naturally, how ever you define 'natural'.

A new addition next month. 

The world,

it seems so universally big

While it is busy engulfing me,

I'm too little to fight back

Not that I'm complacent,

but it doesn't appear wise to retaliate,

not when I could be busy enjoying life 

Or am I?

Sometimes, I feel like the world's puppet

Time itself is the biggest contributor

Money too

Well, some would say "It's just what you prioritize"

I would say if you have one without the other, 

what else more can you actually do?

Enlighten me please,

because I've been cracking my brain over this 

Live your dream?

Or live your life?

Don't tell me it can be perfectly both

At least not for me

Every night right before falling into slumber is a living nightmare for me. The heart throbbing aches and silent tears that come so naturally when my thoughts are all of you. Our memories together replay themselves so vividly in my mind and no, I can't pull off a smile being thankful for the existence of these memories, instead all I do is to dwell on how you are no longer here with me to create new memories. It has been 2 months and 14 days since you went to Heaven, and here I am with a bleeding heart wishing you were still right here with me.

 I want to feel your fur again. I want to smell my favorite scent again. I want to see you munch on your favorite long beans vigorously again. I want to see your blur face again. I want to hear the sound of you drinking water again. I just want to wake up and go to sleep to the sight and touch of you again. 

Haven't had time to catch up on penning down my personal thoughts on this intimate (and very unknown) space of mine. Reason? None other than work. I've never shun the idea of a 9-6 job like many youngsters around me do, because why, VERY few stable jobs that I know of actually provide the luxury of flexible working timings. So long as my working days are productive and I don't have to worry about earning a meager income and most importantly, I'm walking along the path that I've carved out for myself, the fixed timings don't matter. 

Last weekend, I queued up for the newly opened and HIGHLY raved Pince & Pints for 2.5 hours. What was meant to be a dinner turned out to be supper. My poor soles on that platform shoes that night.. Despite how the food didn't disappoint us, I wouldn't exactly say it was worth that 2.5 hours Q because that is definitely my first and last time of killing my soles for food. But after hearing how my extremely couch potato bro would Q up this long for good food, I started to doubt my initial judgment of how this horrendous Q would be just a temporary craze, like the bubble tea craze. 

I had the chili lobster with fried mantou. Initially, both Redbull & I were overestimating our appetites and underestimating the portions of the food. BUT, we were too full to have our supper which we planned to after this meal. 

His lobster roll with some greens and fries. Though the lobster roll leaves little room for complaints, I felt they could put in more effort for the fries. Even Mac and kfc fries taste better than this. 

My pincer that Redbull peeled off the shell for me.

Have you ever let yourself down? Your own expectations which you didn't meet when you thought you would. I did. Indeed, it feels worse than being let down by someone else because there's no one else to carry the title of 'Blame it on me' aside from yourself. 

Well, on the bright side, Life for me has been kind. It has been close to a month in my first full-time job. Fortunate or lucky, it doesn't make any particular difference as it doesn't change the fact that I've landed myself a rare opportunity. A good opportunity to learn and expose myself to a position that is and will be highly sought after in more industries in the near future. 

Time is the key because it encompasses the various opportunities that we need in different phases of our lives. Why so? One can be capable, one can be born with a highly developed intellect, one can be an expert in a particular field. But what if there isn't an available opportunity at that point of time? There's no room for you to prove yourself. So I'm glad at that tick of the clock, this opportunity arises for me.

To a future filled with memories, cheers.

Friday was my first day of experiencing the life of a working adult. First day of work is usually the induction, get to know your colleagues and superiors, so work hasn't taken a toll on me, yet. Having my own working desk and taking on significant responsibilities for the company sure is a wholesome package for me. But, good things don't come easy and I pray for the strength and faith to get me through and towards my career goal. 

Prove my own worth.

If. If I use the word 'if" too often, does it reveal my fear for the uncertainty? If it does, then you're probably spot on about that. 

Life is about making choices between paths, isn't it? Then comes the 'if' part. If I take this route, if I take that route. A decision that changes where your life is heading to. 

Scared as hell. Uncertainties kill. But, don't lose that faith, hope & determination.

Whoever said dreams are the opposite of realities is a liar. I dreamt of you again, Princess. In my dreams, you were sick. So fragile. But, you recovered. In reality? No, you didn't.

 

Exactly one week since you've left and this is the first time you came back to me in my dreams. The dream reflected the reality: in it, you've left too. But you came back to us every single night without fail, running around in the house being your usual active & curious self, occasionally climbing onto my legs like you did in the past. I could touch and feel you in my dreams. That virtual reality... I could almost feel you, almost. 

If there's to be any day when I speak of you any less, it doesn't mean I'm thinking less of you because I'll never do, it just means I'm scrambling for better ways to deal with your loss. And I'm failing miserably, for now. 

What a fine line separating being positive and trying to deceive yourself that you're happy about things which you aren't. A recent occurrence(s) made me realized how I can't and thus must not depend on anyone else except myself for the emotional support that I need. The emotional pillar built up by others isn't sturdy, it doesn't provide you with what you need. Instead, sometimes they do make it worse to deal with the existing emotional crisis you're already facing. No one is at fault, perhaps you're just the one expecting an impossibility to turn out the opposite. But, when did this become something that we shouldn't expect? 

Back to where it makes me sick to my stomach, again. Seeing/knowing the minute respect people give to their parents according to their temperament, always makes me cringe. I swallowed my opinions, when I'm not even one who does, just to put a halt to my outburst of temper.

What's the point of being able to sing along to your favorite songs, to laugh at your favorite variety shows/dramas, to download (illegally) movies/songs from your laptop when you don't even give the due respect to the ones who paid for the monthly Ethernet subscription fee? 

What's the point of being able to doze off on your bed, hang the new clothes that you bought in your closet when you don't even give the due respect to the ones who provide this roof over your head? 

What's the point of knowing to have the most basic politeness towards those in the customer service line when you don't even shower such fundamental courtesy to your own parents? 

What's the point of growing up healthily when you don't even give the due respect to the ones who gave you this life? 

They're hitting their fifties while we're just about to step into adulthood. The time they've spent raising us up, the hardship they're going through just to ensure we've a comfortable & stable roof over our heads. Sure we don't live luxuriously, but at least we don't have to worry about food & accommodation. They slog their guts out for us. Their work is purely physical. Imagine you at their age, having going through such physical labor for more than half of your life, imagine the toll it does to your physique. If all these aren't worth the biggest respect they deserve, I don't know what is. 

We all know life has an expiry date, we just don't know when that is and it's because of this uncertainty coupled with the limited lifespan that should make us fear and in turn cherish them when they're still able to see us. What if you wake up one day to find them gone? What if you wake up one day to your own parents who don't recognize who you are? Just what if? By then, it'd all be too late. Too late for you to reciprocate to them in ways they best deserve. 

This moment is familiar. This feeling too. I've experienced this time and again, like I'm caught up in my own time affair. For you, for the both of you, I always wish I could do so much more than what I'm capable of now. Through the mess in my mind that I've fumbled through, I seem to have found this fragment of reality I chose to suppress. The fear of age catching up on them... Time, we always love to think we still have so much left. No, we don't. And it's because of that, I want to be able to provide for them as soon as I am able to.