♒Åℚ∪Åℜ│⊔S ♒

The world,

it seems so universally big

While it is busy engulfing me,

I'm too little to fight back

Not that I'm complacent,

but it doesn't appear wise to retaliate,

not when I could be busy enjoying life 

Or am I?

Sometimes, I feel like the world's puppet

Time itself is the biggest contributor

Money too

Well, some would say "It's just what you prioritize"

I would say if you have one without the other, 

what else more can you actually do?

Enlighten me please,

because I've been cracking my brain over this 

Live your dream?

Or live your life?

Don't tell me it can be perfectly both

At least not for me

'Filtering' my words is by far the greatest change I am making, despite it being a very recent change.

When I'm not in a pleasant mood, I bit my tongue to restrain myself from mouthing out what's on my mind right then. Mostly, fluently aggressive/uncouth/hurtful/rude/sarcastic comments.

Certainly, it hasn't been easy; changing never is.

I'm better than some with words, better at expressing myself. That's the beauty of my natural ability with words. Then there's the evil side. As much as words can sound like sweet blessings, they can be the opposite too, if you know exactly how to, which I unfortunately do. 

I enjoy debating, retaliating with sense and sarcasm. I find myself secretly rejoicing when I leave the other party dumb folded. The other party can be anyone, an acquaintance, stranger, friends, family. Yes, even with my close ones. That's the dark side. I rejoiced at something that I shouldn't, something that is going to haunt me when I finally come to my senses, which I had and I hope it's not too late for this change. 

As time passes with the dark clouds hovering me, time brought me to my senses, making me realize that it (time) is far too precious for me to be conjuring up the nicest sarcastic script in my head in every conversation. It is a waste of time because there's no need for sarcasm, despite how intelligent it sounds in my head. There's a more graceful way of bringing my points across. I will only be truly emotionally intelligent when I master the art of effective speaking without sarcasm.

The sense of accomplishment when I hold back my words outweighs the accomplishment when I leave the other party dumb folded. Today, I did something I've never done and would never do in the past. I refrained myself from snapping at a stranger. 

I was in the Gong Cha queue when the lady behind asked me politely "Excuse me, are you in the queue?". 

I nonchalantly turned my head slightly with my left profile facing her and answered "Ya? I'm in the queue. This is obviously the queue right? (*gesturing at the queue in front)". 

Okay, I do admit I answered that with a tinge of sarcasm, but my self-control stepped in after this. The lady then countered "Okayyyy (and yes, she did over emphasize on her y), it's just there's a gap in front of you and people will be confused if this is the queue for ordering or queue for collecting". 

The 'me' reacted instantaneously and played out the answer in my head within split seconds.

"This narrow gap is reasonable or do you actually expect me to stick myself to the person in front so there is NO gap at all?" 

It is a big feat for me for not saying that out loud. I replayed that in my head like a faulty recorder replaying itself, for a good few times. Yes, my addictive habit is that bad so I really regard what I did as an accomplishment.

Self-control. I will not let this deter me from being a better me.

Have you ever let yourself down? Your own expectations which you didn't meet when you thought you would. I did. Indeed, it feels worse than being let down by someone else because there's no one else to carry the title of 'Blame it on me' aside from yourself. 

Well, on the bright side, Life for me has been kind. It has been close to a month in my first full-time job. Fortunate or lucky, it doesn't make any particular difference as it doesn't change the fact that I've landed myself a rare opportunity. A good opportunity to learn and expose myself to a position that is and will be highly sought after in more industries in the near future. 

Time is the key because it encompasses the various opportunities that we need in different phases of our lives. Why so? One can be capable, one can be born with a highly developed intellect, one can be an expert in a particular field. But what if there isn't an available opportunity at that point of time? There's no room for you to prove yourself. So I'm glad at that tick of the clock, this opportunity arises for me.

To a future filled with memories, cheers.

Friday was my first day of experiencing the life of a working adult. First day of work is usually the induction, get to know your colleagues and superiors, so work hasn't taken a toll on me, yet. Having my own working desk and taking on significant responsibilities for the company sure is a wholesome package for me. But, good things don't come easy and I pray for the strength and faith to get me through and towards my career goal. 

Prove my own worth.

What a fine line separating being positive and trying to deceive yourself that you're happy about things which you aren't. A recent occurrence(s) made me realized how I can't and thus must not depend on anyone else except myself for the emotional support that I need. The emotional pillar built up by others isn't sturdy, it doesn't provide you with what you need. Instead, sometimes they do make it worse to deal with the existing emotional crisis you're already facing. No one is at fault, perhaps you're just the one expecting an impossibility to turn out the opposite. But, when did this become something that we shouldn't expect? 

These three personality tests are in a totally different sphere with those usual ones I've heard/seen/taken. Plus, it's very detailed and ACCURATE.

Handy in the real world manipulation of objects and events, you are easily enthused by practical projects. You often ignore or conveniently forget rules and boundaries that limit your freedom. This need for freedom extends even to the personal sphere and though you are kind and gentle, you will often be hard to pin down to a monogamous lifestyle. Because you tend to verbalize so seldom, you can be seen as phlegmatic or impassive. In moments of high tension you can often surprise those around you with a lighthearted or humorous remark. Because of your facility with the physical world, you are often engaged in sports that require dexterity, such as motorcycling or hang gliding. You will rarely have time for flights of fancy or unproductive discussion. Constraints on your freedom will be regarded as a personal attack.

(The Pierley Test)

You feel both a sense that your problems are causing stress but also that these problems could be unsurmountable, or at least that you will probably not be able to solve them through shear force of will. You have the ability to emotionally and physically connect with others, which is often a release for these feelings of helplessness.

 You are a highly refined individual who takes pleasure in your capacity for discernment. When you feel that this sense is compromised or that your abilities are not appreciated however, you can feel intense and unrelieved anxiety. You are often obsessed with sincerity and genuineness as a means of protecting yourself from exploitative forces in the world around you. You are very demanding in emotional relationships, but respond in kind. Consequently, you have developed a shell of self control around your innate overly trusting nature.

(Moral Synesthesia Test) 

Your client (referring to me) is in an impressionable state, exhausted from extensive internal conflict, and desires only to rest and recuperate. Make an effort to appear sympathetic and caring, and don't be afraid to extend communication as a means of holding out the possibility of release from the simple stresses of Client/analyst contact.

A freethinking and often unstable personality, this individual is a force multiplier of emotional resonance. Highly outgoing, he or she needs to see personal beliefs mirrored in the outside world or can become superficial, vain and irritable.

(The Biege Protocol Test) 

Enjoy the sound of rain, but not the thunderous claps of thunder. It puts me at a vulnerable state where I've to be wary of when's the next one and shut my ears right when the thunder strikes. One second slower and my ear drums & faint heart would have to suffer. Never like subjecting myself to a state of fear & vulnerability, especially when it's beyond my control. I can't summon for thunders to go away, all I can do is to safeguard my ears. They say 'Destroy what destroys you". If so, can someone teach me a trick or so on how to destroy the sounds of thunder? Make it into a 'Book for Thunders Dummies' that I can comprehend easily. 

Guilty of being a prisoner of the society's perspectives of beauty despite the countless times of seeing/hearing the phrase "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder". I don't exactly practice what I preach but I'm progressing healthily. As exposure to social media increased, I found myself being more susceptible to bearing low self-esteem, in the past. Don't think I even have to elaborate on the number of god-like faces/bodies we've all set our eyes on. But, I'm becoming more comfortable being in my own skin now as compared to the past. The biggest turning point was when I started making AND seeing changes to my own body that made me realize I can indeed grow stronger & better, physically & mentally. 

And the people who love me, they definitely don't love me for my appearance (my family, gfs and Redbull have all seen the past me who was plump, who had no fashion sense AT ALL, who had the 'pineapple' hairstyle, who had acne & scars conquering my face etc). So instead of feeling insecure of how I look, I'd now rather spend the time on improving who I AM as a person. 

The phase of insecurity, I've been through it and it doesn't feel good to see my dearest her going through the same. All I can tell her is:

"You're beautiful to me,

regardless of your bangs, your long fringe, your untrimmed hair.

Even if you don't wash your hair for days 

(which is gross BUT)

I'll still find you beautiful.

Even after years, 

even when we're old,

even when I can trace the wrinkles on your face with my wobbly finger,

even when there's a piece of green stuck in between your decaying teeth,

I'll still find you beautiful.

Cause I don't care how you look, 

I don't care how you smell,

all I care is I'm too blessed to have you as my siz."

Those who matter won't care about how you look, and for those who care, why should you care about those people who don't matter?

My weekends are always pretty much about food, aside from sticking to my exercising regime with the hope of lessening the guilt from consuming all these unhealthy food. Saturday dinner with Redbull's family after their mass. 

I've passed Kim's several times, with most of the times it being closed. Tucked in a row of shophouses just few doors away from Carpenter & Cook and finally I got to try this authentic korean cuisine. 

The lady who picked up my call on Friday didn't jot down my reservation but we only had to wait for less than 10 minutes before getting our table. The place was packed, only a few tables were empty in the second room Kim's has. 

Scribbles and doodles on the wall.

Seafood hotpot. Thought this hotpot was the Army Stew I really wanted to try, but turns out it was glass noodles instead of maggie mee. Ntm the pathetic portion of glass noodles which I only managed to lay my hands on a few strands. BUT, the soup was sweet and the seafood is fresh. 

Refillable! The sweet ikan bilis, fish cakes and fruits salad! 

Topokki

The BBQ chef of the night. We ordered pork belly and marinated pork collar. Best BBQ meat I've had in a korean restaurant. Very well marinated succulent meat. My stomach didn't seem to have enough of it. There were 5 of us so... My stomach is accustomed to the portion of food it always consumes when I'm with Redbull alone. Like the same amount of food we ordered is what Redbull & I would usually order when it's just the both of us. Ya, we are crazy.

Ok, perhaps minus of this huge green onion pancake. We would definitely order the hotpot & the 2 plates of meat.

I was being politely & inexplicitly turned down for a full-time job when the job description in the ad stated they were looking for a part-time candidate which was exactly why I had sent my resume. 

I've a tendency to want to pen down whatever thoughts that have visited my mind, be it welcome or unwelcome thoughts but tasks on hand forbid me to do so. So here's what on my wish list. I wish there's this brilliant device that's able to read my mind, instantly interpret them better than I'm able to and jot them down in concrete word form so all I've to do is to click 'Publish'. I believe in the progress of our technology. I'll wait. 

Finally, my back has recovered which means I can slowly get back to my exercising routine. It feels awful having to put a halt to all the exercising for a month, I can't even stop for a week. No, I'm not trying to sound like the fit athlete. I'm nowhere near my demonic (in a good way) idol, let alone my idol's idol. Not idol, perhaps more of an inspirational icon. I enjoy pushing myself and seeing the progress my body is making every single day. It amazes me what I can achieve when my mind conquers my body. This is one area I feel a sense of accomplishment and confidence in. Not because I feel like I'm good enough, but because I know how far I've came and how far I'm able to go from here so long as I work hard for it. 

I've discovered a love for this and definitely sticking to it, working slowly towards my goal. Wait, there should be no goal because attaining a goal means you stop but in relation to this, there should be no stop.

All these quotes, I'll live by. 

(from google)

You know that's indeed the happiest moment when you feel that happiest is an understatement. Exactly my sentiment on Sunday when I made a memorable trip to my grandma's old house with my siz, Heroine & Janice. Then I was the happiest me, with no worries, no burdens, no complexities. 

A memorable trip to the place filled with my childhood memories. Every single lane that leads to every single familar path. With every step I took, images of my childhood came flooding my mind like a TV show on repeat, except mine wasn't appearing visually, it was mental recollections. Mental recollections, that's all I have left of the past. 

The lady boss of my favorite mama shop, the uncle who delivers gas to households, the granny who is still selling roasted meat & the next door indian neighbour. All these faces, they remained. It's like nothing has changed yet everything isn't the same anymore. 

What seizes my heart was the fact that they still remember us just like we do. I'm searching frantically for words to describe the emotions swirling within me at that moment when they expressed their recollections of us, of my grandma. They still remember my grandma who is unable to do the same due to her senile condition. 

Love takes many forms. 

The perfection of a duo too. 

Yours differ from mine, mine from yours. So who are we to say who's right? 

I've seen many different ways of loving someone & being loved, mostly from dramas. But I'd like to think dramas coincide with realities, a little too much in fact, that we're confused between these two from time to time. 

My kind of love isn't one that's filled with smiles, but one that despite all those tears, it's so strong that amongst it all, smiles emerge more genuinely and ever more lovingly. That one kind of love that has went through tremendous damages only to find the both of them back together again. And again. 

Cause I came across someone posting their instagram videos and thought I could do the same.
But there are errors in some of the videos. It says content unavailable. I wonder why.

This just got to me.

Yesterday I received a call from a lady who is calling on behalf of the beauty place she's working for. During the good 3 minutes of introducing herself & the beauty place (both of which I didn't hear. All I heard was blah blah blah), I wanted to cut her off by saying I was busy which I really was but felt bad to interrupt her so I let her get to the main point, which was painstakingly SLOW.

And her main point? 

I was entitled to a free one hour facial treatment that comprises of blah blah blah which was rid of any obligation from my part.

(sorry, my ears switched off automatically to things I'm not interested in) 

I turned her down and it was then she asked "Oh why, it is free you know?". 

The instant reply I wanted to blurt out was, 

"So what if it is free? I don't want it and you mentioned that there is no obligation, so why are you asking like I'm obliged to say yes?" 

Of course I didn't say that out because she's just an employee who's doing her job so there's no reason be so rude.

The point that I'm trying to get across is that not every single person is attracted the moment you mention "IT'S FREE". To me, that isn't a magic phrase or something, so don't even bother trying. If I'm not interested in the product/service, telling me it's free isn't going to change my mind miraculously. Perhaps telling me that it comes with a delicious cake may, so why don't you give me a free delicious cake?