♒Åℚ∪Åℜ│⊔S ♒

'Filtering' my words is by far the greatest change I am making, despite it being a very recent change.

When I'm not in a pleasant mood, I bit my tongue to restrain myself from mouthing out what's on my mind right then. Mostly, fluently aggressive/uncouth/hurtful/rude/sarcastic comments.

Certainly, it hasn't been easy; changing never is.

I'm better than some with words, better at expressing myself. That's the beauty of my natural ability with words. Then there's the evil side. As much as words can sound like sweet blessings, they can be the opposite too, if you know exactly how to, which I unfortunately do. 

I enjoy debating, retaliating with sense and sarcasm. I find myself secretly rejoicing when I leave the other party dumb folded. The other party can be anyone, an acquaintance, stranger, friends, family. Yes, even with my close ones. That's the dark side. I rejoiced at something that I shouldn't, something that is going to haunt me when I finally come to my senses, which I had and I hope it's not too late for this change. 

As time passes with the dark clouds hovering me, time brought me to my senses, making me realize that it (time) is far too precious for me to be conjuring up the nicest sarcastic script in my head in every conversation. It is a waste of time because there's no need for sarcasm, despite how intelligent it sounds in my head. There's a more graceful way of bringing my points across. I will only be truly emotionally intelligent when I master the art of effective speaking without sarcasm.

The sense of accomplishment when I hold back my words outweighs the accomplishment when I leave the other party dumb folded. Today, I did something I've never done and would never do in the past. I refrained myself from snapping at a stranger. 

I was in the Gong Cha queue when the lady behind asked me politely "Excuse me, are you in the queue?". 

I nonchalantly turned my head slightly with my left profile facing her and answered "Ya? I'm in the queue. This is obviously the queue right? (*gesturing at the queue in front)". 

Okay, I do admit I answered that with a tinge of sarcasm, but my self-control stepped in after this. The lady then countered "Okayyyy (and yes, she did over emphasize on her y), it's just there's a gap in front of you and people will be confused if this is the queue for ordering or queue for collecting". 

The 'me' reacted instantaneously and played out the answer in my head within split seconds.

"This narrow gap is reasonable or do you actually expect me to stick myself to the person in front so there is NO gap at all?" 

It is a big feat for me for not saying that out loud. I replayed that in my head like a faulty recorder replaying itself, for a good few times. Yes, my addictive habit is that bad so I really regard what I did as an accomplishment.

Self-control. I will not let this deter me from being a better me.