♒Åℚ∪Åℜ│⊔S ♒

I guess this is what being the eldest does to me - striving to live up to expectations. Subconsciously or consciously, I always feel the need to set a good example, to be a good role model. Transitioning from the teenage years to adulthood, completing the few milestones and knowing how proud my parents are of me, I thought I've grew out of the phase of being trapped in my own shadow. The shadow of fear. Fear of letting people down. Yet, I caught myself off guard last night with my emotional meltdown of knowing I have yet to grow out the phase of my own shadow casted by my own fear. Sucks to know I have failed to meet expectations, sucks to know I'm inadequate. Words of reassurance just don't seem to do the trick of halting those tears. And it wasn't just unhappiness, those tears seem to taste of anger. Angry at myself for allowing others get to determine how I should feel about myself.

But I'm glad last night happened. Glad that I got to know myself better. Glad that it allows me to have this opportunity to reassess and refine my mindset. It's time to let go of my own harsh expectation of myself. I've to stop expecting that I've to meet others' expectations of me at the expense of my happiness. It's perfectly fine when meeting their expectations of me is a by product of me meeting my own expectations willingly. And if it doesn't meet their expectation, so be it. I don't have to feel that I've failed anyone just because they are disappointed in me as last night just proved once again how much damage it does to my well being in the long run. Of course I'm not striving to be self-centered, all I strive for is not to compromise in carving out a better and healthier me for the sake of living up to someone else's expectations.